The Love Chapter
This chapter felt more relevant to me than some of the other chapters we covered. I have seen love and lack thereof all over my life recently and it’s been seeping into my everyday interactions. I have seen it in the most minute seemingly unimportant moments throughout my day. But I have also seen it play out in big life events, like family issues. There were a few points that stuck out to me the most regarding my experiences so that’s what I’ll focus on.
A couple of years ago, my older sister was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. She was in her late 20’s and had been married to a guy for about one year. One particular night, they were at home and he began to feel very uncomfortable with her. She was saying things and doing things that scared him, and at one point he decided it was better if he spent the night somewhere else. She was terrified that he was going to leave her alone, and in her desperation to make him stay she pulled a knife on him. She didn’t end up using it, it was more of a threat, but after that he left quickly and their marriage ended soon after. That was the catalyst that led her to intense therapy sessions and doctors that treated her mental illness.
The part in the chapter where Krista Tippett references the “earthquake as a revolutionizing force” analogy for love spoke pretty directly into this situation. Tippett quotes Xavier le Pichon, a geophysicist, saying “And communities which are rigid, which do not take into account the weak points of the community — people who are in difficulty — tend to be communities that do not evolve. When they do evolve, it’s generally a very strong commotion, a revolution.” (Pg. 131). When communities are stagnant, their members feel unable to evolve. The weaknesses in the earth’s crust provide the breaking points for earthquakes to occur. My sister felt trapped in a situation where she had no power, so she felt her only choice was the earthquake. What I think needed to happen was for her to understand what was happening before she got to that point. In this scenario, she was the stagnant community who was in danger of an abrupt revolution. Self love should be just as constantly evolving and changing as the love that you practice with other people.
Another thing that Tippett talks about is the practice of boasting your weakness. If people are unafraid to share what is on their mind, what they need help with, how they are struggling to love, they will be better received. The shock value is gone and with it the shame that could come from admitting a weakness. It seems that having an open mind would be a form of strength in this regard. Dealing with, understanding, and walking with Borderline Personality Disorder, my sister has come a long way. She has been vocal about her weakness, and has been working hard to come out on top of her struggle. While she still has far to go, and it often feels like a constant battle, our family has come together to initiate our geologic flow and remain ductile.
Since that incident and the various events afterwards, my family has worked hard maintaining a relationship with her, particularly my mom. In the years since my sister started her serious self work, my mom has loved her above and beyond what a normal person would. She worries about how she approaches her, how she interacts with her, and how my sister interprets my mom’s actions towards her. I often find myself sought out by my mom to see if her text makes sense, if my sister could possibly misunderstand what she’s saying. And recently it’s been bugging me. I don’t want to coddle my sister into oblivion. I understand that my mom wants to protect her child, and help her deal with years of trauma. And I do my best to respect that. But at a certain point I think that Tippett’s idea of “protecting the weak” finds a boundary.
I agree with Krista Tippett. Protect the weak. Don’t allow people who are in difficulty to suffer and eventually explode. in my sister’s case, it would have been healthier for all of us if we had kept her on our radar and monitored how she was doing so that she didn’t go off with no warning. But at a certain point, when people like my mom are so worried that they’ll set her off, they have to realize something. Like my sister, people who are hurting sometimes don't need to be coddled, they need a degree of patience. There is never a 100 percent chance that they’ll totally agree with what you have to say. If your intentions are good, then let them misunderstand, be patient with, and explain yourself afterwards. To reiterate, self love should be just as constantly evolving and changing as the love that you practice with other people. While it’s not really tough love, it is putting yourself into your own community narrative. I love my mom and I don’t want to see her suffer for something that doesn’t really matter. Having patience with my sister is a way for her to practice love with her family and to also practice loving herself, so that she remains comfortable while also showing my sister the love she deserves.
There are numerous examples I can think of that showcase Tippett’s idea of love as it’s talked about in the chapter. But I think there are many facets to this situation so I am content to just leave it at this. After all of the earthquakes my family has experienced, we have revived our flow of growth and love. I think of the story of Anna Love from the chapter who, while working hard on cases at the police station, she loved her family and provided for them, along with her also-busy husband. I think this kind of responsibility based and action based love is where I see my family reflected in the chapter. Among other things, we work hard to love each other, and love ourselves.
